These memories cling to me like my own skin...
I found myself waking up in the middle of a cobblestone street. I felt as if I had fought the longest battle in my life. Dragging myself towards time and memories. I looked at myself and saw that I had a wedding dress on. It was very ethereal and ivory. My long dark hair was braided and decorated with flowers. My vision in a glass door told me that I looked beautiful, but again I felt as if my soul was dragging and losing its focus. It began to rain softly and felt soothing almost like kisses from above. The ancient streets felt alive and moving as well, as if rushing me to get to where I was supposed to be. Music played all over, the same angelic voice I have always heard inside of me. She rushed and told me “you will see a trail of your past, it might seem tempting…but you must not follow”. So I ran and ran. I became familiar with places I had visited with past faces and everyplace hit me like a bee sting. But I kept running because suddenly I also felt that need to find my destiny. Rain drops fell across my cheeks, until I noticed that they were tears, I looked everywhere for a sign. Run, Run, Run…..
And then I saw the biggest set of stairs, all ancient and covered with moss. To the left I saw the old harbor with boats and lampposts. I cringed when I saw them but kept running towards the stairs. Music kept playing all around the skies. She kept urging to continue, that sometimes what we want the most takes time, tears and faith. As soon as I took the first step I almost returned. Because every stair was the face and body of my past. There they were all staring at me, some glaring, others regretting and others loving still. I screamed and sobbed as if my very breath was taken from me. I knew there was something for me at the top of the stairs, there was light and peace. But to get there, I had to confront the darkest moments in my life.
I was barefoot and flowers decorated my feet, I remembered the light and decided to take the first step. Diomedes stared at me in awe and with that same youthful face demanded me answers that I never had for him. “Diomedes, don’t waste your youth waiting for me”. He cried and yelled and all I could do was let go and follow the next step. With every step I took, tears followed and flowers were left behind for them. I just kept looking up towards the light. Again, I felt so unworthy because of who I was and who I became for all of them. But the voice urged me to continue.
I saw Peleus blue crystal eyes staring at me. I see blood from his chest being spilled and my ivory dress stained with our past. I became afraid for I remembered his curse, my curse… our beginning and our end. Hatred came from his eyes as if trying to hurt me as I did him. “You were always meant for greater things. But I can’t help but hate you for it”. He screamed and held to my dress but I pushed him towards the end of the stairs and screamed back. “You never had my heart”.
I heard him sob but kept going. And so fast was my pace that I tripped and landed in a dreaded step. Archangel Michael was there looking all innocent and broken. I remembered I always pictured him stronger and more knowledgeable than me. But this time around, I towered over him. In his eyes I saw every time he made me cry and close to ending my life. I cringed once again at the memory. Suddenly I felt as if I had the strength of a titan. I took Archangel Michael in my arms and folded him into a box. He seemed serene, as if he knew this was his destiny, to be put away in a box. I embraced the box to my heart. He felt heavy everywhere, but I became stronger than our past. I left him on that stair and with a flower next to his cheek. He smiled and urged me to continue. “Fly away, Arwen”.
Almost reaching the top towards the light, I felt my soul flare up into hope. My dress was covered in blood stains and moss but I didn’t care. I saw the warm light and took a brave step…but what seemed like light was abruptly changed into an illusion. The one who hurt me the most, the one who I imaged strong and wise. The older one… my mentor, lover, religion, my demon…my lawyer. He stared at me so confident in his power over me. Right then and there…I felt I couldn’t continue, because in his eyes I would see our story. I saw my eagerness, his lies and soothing voice. I saw tears and question marks all over my face. I cried and felt so scared that I wouldnt have been able to surpass this step in my life. He leaned forward and touched my raven hair covered in withered flowers. He inhaled the fragrance and said words my heart learned to need years ago. He embraced me and covered me with his honey words. Every word was imprinted on my skin and it glowed with artificial light. I felt myself being slowly transformed into the woman he wanted and not who I was. I slowly cried as I felt defeated and weak to his charms. Willow softly kissed my cheek and I moaned because it hurt. His touch hurt my entire body like acid. He was melting away who I was. Slowly he began to take my wedding dress off and his words became my clothing. “You never had a chance with me by being yourself . All you can do is resign and let me transform you.” Willow repeated these words until I felt almost drifting into sadness.
I was ready to close my eyes and accept my defeat when the real light from above the staircase burst into flames and burned Willow slowly. He let me go as he burned in light. Suddenly he was stunned because a power unknown to me was lifting me up and covered me in flowers as a new me emerged from the battle scene. I recognized that I had a destiny to fulfill. I took a step closer to a flaming willow, his features almost gone. He echoed pain but it was so distant. I take my flowery hand and touch his red face and said “You never knew the power of my love, because it was never yours. I resign to ever wanting to be yours. I let go of any power you had over me. You will torment me no longer, because to me…you are dead. You are just flaming willow, now burn. I am healing while you hurt. “. His ashes were taken away by the wind. And I leave a flower in the final stair.
A desire to look back was trying to convince me. But the angelic voice, always present, sang to me. She said “A battle took place here, flowers and ashes, honey and blood. Tell me, why would you wish to look back?” I couldn’t find any reason. But I sang back to her, shocked that her voice was mine all along. “I don’t feel worthy of this eternal light.”
Suddenly, the rain drops stopped. Right there at the top of the stairs was a path of light that shimmered with love. Tears fell and I felt this sense of unconditional love. I walked barefoot touching the soft petals. The wind played with my hair and my past was less heavy to carry. I saw all these creatures of light at each side of the pathway. All looked at me with love and happiness. My chest moved at a rhythm until I realized I was laughing. The sensation felt too foreign to me. Then I stopped dead on my tracks. At the end I saw a face I had never seen but that my heart recognized as mine. He smiled and tears fell again from my eyes. Where did this sense of healing come from? My scars were healed and I ran towards Edvard in great haste. He was there clothed in white, hair long and dark, face happy and eager. He also ran with great grace and when we reached one another, we stopped in order to gaze at our future.
We embraced each other fiercely as if never wanting to let go. The entire place covered in warm light and merry melodies. I finally let out one last cry . All the layers of blood and moss were eliminated as I was transformed by love into me. I was always enough. I took Edvard’s face in my hands and sang a melody. His hands on my waist, his eyes filled with love, he said “You were worth the wait. I always knew it was you. My warrior…my love”.
I breathed in happiness at last. I myself said, “Edvard, you were worth the pain, the tears, and the battle it took me to get here”. We took each other’s hands and walked towards the eternal light, while the staircase disappeared as if it never existed.
-Arwenlyn 2012
I found myself waking up in the middle of a cobblestone street. I felt as if I had fought the longest battle in my life. Dragging myself towards time and memories. I looked at myself and saw that I had a wedding dress on. It was very ethereal and ivory. My long dark hair was braided and decorated with flowers. My vision in a glass door told me that I looked beautiful, but again I felt as if my soul was dragging and losing its focus. It began to rain softly and felt soothing almost like kisses from above. The ancient streets felt alive and moving as well, as if rushing me to get to where I was supposed to be. Music played all over, the same angelic voice I have always heard inside of me. She rushed and told me “you will see a trail of your past, it might seem tempting…but you must not follow”. So I ran and ran. I became familiar with places I had visited with past faces and everyplace hit me like a bee sting. But I kept running because suddenly I also felt that need to find my destiny. Rain drops fell across my cheeks, until I noticed that they were tears, I looked everywhere for a sign. Run, Run, Run…..
And then I saw the biggest set of stairs, all ancient and covered with moss. To the left I saw the old harbor with boats and lampposts. I cringed when I saw them but kept running towards the stairs. Music kept playing all around the skies. She kept urging to continue, that sometimes what we want the most takes time, tears and faith. As soon as I took the first step I almost returned. Because every stair was the face and body of my past. There they were all staring at me, some glaring, others regretting and others loving still. I screamed and sobbed as if my very breath was taken from me. I knew there was something for me at the top of the stairs, there was light and peace. But to get there, I had to confront the darkest moments in my life.
I was barefoot and flowers decorated my feet, I remembered the light and decided to take the first step. Diomedes stared at me in awe and with that same youthful face demanded me answers that I never had for him. “Diomedes, don’t waste your youth waiting for me”. He cried and yelled and all I could do was let go and follow the next step. With every step I took, tears followed and flowers were left behind for them. I just kept looking up towards the light. Again, I felt so unworthy because of who I was and who I became for all of them. But the voice urged me to continue.
I saw Peleus blue crystal eyes staring at me. I see blood from his chest being spilled and my ivory dress stained with our past. I became afraid for I remembered his curse, my curse… our beginning and our end. Hatred came from his eyes as if trying to hurt me as I did him. “You were always meant for greater things. But I can’t help but hate you for it”. He screamed and held to my dress but I pushed him towards the end of the stairs and screamed back. “You never had my heart”.
I heard him sob but kept going. And so fast was my pace that I tripped and landed in a dreaded step. Archangel Michael was there looking all innocent and broken. I remembered I always pictured him stronger and more knowledgeable than me. But this time around, I towered over him. In his eyes I saw every time he made me cry and close to ending my life. I cringed once again at the memory. Suddenly I felt as if I had the strength of a titan. I took Archangel Michael in my arms and folded him into a box. He seemed serene, as if he knew this was his destiny, to be put away in a box. I embraced the box to my heart. He felt heavy everywhere, but I became stronger than our past. I left him on that stair and with a flower next to his cheek. He smiled and urged me to continue. “Fly away, Arwen”.
Almost reaching the top towards the light, I felt my soul flare up into hope. My dress was covered in blood stains and moss but I didn’t care. I saw the warm light and took a brave step…but what seemed like light was abruptly changed into an illusion. The one who hurt me the most, the one who I imaged strong and wise. The older one… my mentor, lover, religion, my demon…my lawyer. He stared at me so confident in his power over me. Right then and there…I felt I couldn’t continue, because in his eyes I would see our story. I saw my eagerness, his lies and soothing voice. I saw tears and question marks all over my face. I cried and felt so scared that I wouldnt have been able to surpass this step in my life. He leaned forward and touched my raven hair covered in withered flowers. He inhaled the fragrance and said words my heart learned to need years ago. He embraced me and covered me with his honey words. Every word was imprinted on my skin and it glowed with artificial light. I felt myself being slowly transformed into the woman he wanted and not who I was. I slowly cried as I felt defeated and weak to his charms. Willow softly kissed my cheek and I moaned because it hurt. His touch hurt my entire body like acid. He was melting away who I was. Slowly he began to take my wedding dress off and his words became my clothing. “You never had a chance with me by being yourself . All you can do is resign and let me transform you.” Willow repeated these words until I felt almost drifting into sadness.
I was ready to close my eyes and accept my defeat when the real light from above the staircase burst into flames and burned Willow slowly. He let me go as he burned in light. Suddenly he was stunned because a power unknown to me was lifting me up and covered me in flowers as a new me emerged from the battle scene. I recognized that I had a destiny to fulfill. I took a step closer to a flaming willow, his features almost gone. He echoed pain but it was so distant. I take my flowery hand and touch his red face and said “You never knew the power of my love, because it was never yours. I resign to ever wanting to be yours. I let go of any power you had over me. You will torment me no longer, because to me…you are dead. You are just flaming willow, now burn. I am healing while you hurt. “. His ashes were taken away by the wind. And I leave a flower in the final stair.
A desire to look back was trying to convince me. But the angelic voice, always present, sang to me. She said “A battle took place here, flowers and ashes, honey and blood. Tell me, why would you wish to look back?” I couldn’t find any reason. But I sang back to her, shocked that her voice was mine all along. “I don’t feel worthy of this eternal light.”
Suddenly, the rain drops stopped. Right there at the top of the stairs was a path of light that shimmered with love. Tears fell and I felt this sense of unconditional love. I walked barefoot touching the soft petals. The wind played with my hair and my past was less heavy to carry. I saw all these creatures of light at each side of the pathway. All looked at me with love and happiness. My chest moved at a rhythm until I realized I was laughing. The sensation felt too foreign to me. Then I stopped dead on my tracks. At the end I saw a face I had never seen but that my heart recognized as mine. He smiled and tears fell again from my eyes. Where did this sense of healing come from? My scars were healed and I ran towards Edvard in great haste. He was there clothed in white, hair long and dark, face happy and eager. He also ran with great grace and when we reached one another, we stopped in order to gaze at our future.
We embraced each other fiercely as if never wanting to let go. The entire place covered in warm light and merry melodies. I finally let out one last cry . All the layers of blood and moss were eliminated as I was transformed by love into me. I was always enough. I took Edvard’s face in my hands and sang a melody. His hands on my waist, his eyes filled with love, he said “You were worth the wait. I always knew it was you. My warrior…my love”.
I breathed in happiness at last. I myself said, “Edvard, you were worth the pain, the tears, and the battle it took me to get here”. We took each other’s hands and walked towards the eternal light, while the staircase disappeared as if it never existed.
-Arwenlyn 2012
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