Amelia's Letter

Oh, so this must be how it feels. I have often heard my girlfriends speak of such silent endings with despair. This is how it feels, this calmness. This is how it feels to me when I lost you. Nothing. Empty sounds. Vacant looks and glares. 

I lost you the moment I met you. Remember that day? Place crowded with expectations, me being the weird one, you being the loud one. Yes, I remember how drawn I felt to your light, the sound of your laughter, the color of your eyes. The color of autumn. Truth is, at the risk of sounding extremely stupid...I could have stared into those amber eyes forever. 

I lost you that day, because I was afraid of loving you. I was scared to take a leap of faith and begin again. But I did, for a while. For a while I knew the meaning of a love so strong that it changes you. Your fire, your intensity, even your voice consumed me. I felt transformed. I felt more of me, so many hidden feelings were exposed and I felt naked, and I loved it. But, how can I tame a fire? Can it ever be controlled? 

You. Me. Us. It made sense. For a while. I am lying right now, as I write this I realized that I am hiding once more. You and I made absolutely no sense, because it never was about logic or arithmatic's. Truth is, we drove each other insane. But in that storm, there were moments of true calm when we would look at each other and find peace in our love. We were each others balance. And I loved you.

 Yes, I loved even the bad in you, the sorrows, your eccentric past  and your inability for forgive and forget. So again at the risk of sounding like a fool, because I was a fool...I still love you. I don't ever want to stop loving you, even when I can. As crooked as you are, you are the missing piece in my puzzle. 

I lost you the moment we kissed. The moment we embraced each other. I lost you the moment you saw me cry. I lost myself the moment I stopped  seeing what you saw in me. If this is our story, then I don't want to turn the page, I don't want to finish it. 

Do you?

Love,

Amelia

Chasing Time

She, was waiting for time. She had been waiting for four years, and yet silence is all she always had. Her hands were sweating, and her heart  pounding hard. The wind kept on singing, and leaves fell everywhere near her. She had flowers in her hair and feet. She wanted a future, but decided for an end. Her companion sat next to her licking her cheek and waiting just as anxious. She looked into her eyes and felt she was, heart broken, but not alone. She breathed in the smell of sea breeze and felt comfort. "This is what makes me", she repeated until truth echoed in her entire body. This moment would change her, this she knew. To let go of familiarity, his scent, the feel of his skin. She was letting go a life of one sided passion.

The gates opened, and four years walked in. He made noise as he ruffled the fallen leaves. He was always so poised and calm, she was the wind, the earth, the sound of laughter. He was the stillness in the night. What do you say when confronted by such a face? The face of a child man, the face of innocence. As they stared into each others eyes, he couldnt help but smile and she couldnt stop the tears.

Life passed through their minds. Their life together, was never a clean canvas. It was color mounted into color, the thickness of it all always made it impossible to start over.  He was realism and she was post impressionism. None, could have found a way to merge. When passion from color wanted to dance with his classic lines, they realized how incredibly odd and different they were. Classic lines, classic needs. Passionate colors, diverse sorrows. He wanted a Vermeer painting, all dark and sullen. She desired Edvard Munch, an emotional experience, a physical trance, to ride naked, to be naked to the world.

Finally, He walked closer to her, seeing how this ruffled her like a tree in the mercy of a tornado. Cruelty comes in all shapes. His was likea soothing  balm. She waited for his body and desired no longer his heart. As he came closer, she closed her eyes and said "This is how you made me". He embraced her, and the proximity took her by surprise and chilled her bones. So many years without passion can leave you numb and when you finally feel something, its intense.

"You know what I'm about to do, dont you?"
"I do."
"Can you give me a reason to continue waiting?"
"I have nothing. Nothing to give you."
"Always so still  and cold"
"Always so emotional and passionate"

Nothing.... 

Without a word. Without a touch. Simply gazing into their past and no future. They had no future to call upon. No hope to save them. Could you have saved them? Could you have convinced them to try? To fight for what used to unite them? What would you have said?

She was waiting for time. But she decided time should try to catch up with her. After all, she is the wind,  the sound of singing leaves, she is the moment someone decides to move on. And that moment, is now.

Art from www.artmajeur.com

                                                     

What blood and tears dragged in...

These memories cling to me like my own skin...

I found myself waking up in the middle of a cobblestone street. I felt as if I had fought the longest battle in my life. Dragging myself towards time and memories. I looked at myself and saw that I had a wedding dress on. It was very ethereal and ivory. My long dark hair was braided and decorated with flowers. My vision in a glass door told me that I looked beautiful, but again I felt as if my soul was dragging and losing its focus. It began to rain softly and felt soothing almost like kisses from above. The ancient streets felt alive and moving as well, as if rushing me to get to where I was supposed to be. Music played all over, the same angelic voice I have always heard inside of me. She rushed and told me “you will see a trail of your past, it might seem tempting…but you must not follow”. So I ran and ran. I became familiar with places I had visited with past faces and everyplace hit me like a bee sting. But I kept running because suddenly I also felt that need to find my destiny. Rain drops fell across my cheeks, until I noticed that they were tears, I looked everywhere for a sign. Run, Run, Run…..

And then I saw the biggest set of stairs, all ancient and covered with moss. To the left I saw the old harbor with boats and lampposts. I cringed when I saw them but kept running towards the stairs. Music kept playing all around the skies. She kept urging to continue, that sometimes what we want the most takes time, tears and faith. As soon as I took the first step I almost returned. Because every stair was the face and body of my past. There they were all staring at me, some glaring, others regretting and others loving still. I screamed and sobbed as if my very breath was taken from me. I knew there was something for me at the top of the stairs, there was light and peace. But to get there, I had to confront the darkest moments in my life.

I was barefoot and flowers decorated my feet, I remembered the light and decided to take the first step.  Diomedes stared at me in awe and with that same youthful face demanded me answers that I never had for him. “Diomedes, don’t waste your youth waiting for me”. He cried and yelled and all I could do was let go and follow the next step. With every step I took, tears followed and flowers were left behind for them. I just kept looking up towards the light. Again, I felt so unworthy because of who I was and who I became for all of them. But the voice urged me to continue.

I saw Peleus blue crystal eyes staring at me. I see blood from his chest being spilled and my ivory dress stained with our past. I became afraid for I remembered his curse, my curse… our beginning and our end.  Hatred came from his eyes as if trying to hurt me as I did him. “You were always meant for greater things. But I can’t help but hate you for it”. He screamed and held to my dress but I pushed him towards the end of the stairs and screamed back. “You never had my heart”.

I heard him sob but kept going. And so fast was my pace that I tripped and landed in a dreaded step. Archangel Michael was there looking all innocent and broken. I remembered I always pictured him stronger and more knowledgeable than me. But this time around, I towered over him. In his eyes I saw every time he made me cry and close to ending my life. I cringed once again at the memory. Suddenly I felt as if I had the strength of a titan. I took Archangel Michael in my arms and folded him into a box. He seemed serene, as if he knew this was his destiny, to be put away in a box. I embraced the box to my heart. He felt  heavy everywhere, but I became stronger than our past. I left him on that stair and with  a flower next to his cheek. He smiled and urged me to continue. “Fly away, Arwen”.

Almost reaching the top towards the light, I felt my soul flare up into hope. My dress was covered in blood stains and moss but I didn’t care. I saw the warm light and took a brave step…but what seemed like light was abruptly changed into an illusion. The one who hurt me the most, the one who I imaged strong and wise. The older one… my mentor,  lover,  religion, my demon…my lawyer. He stared at me so confident in his power over me. Right then and there…I felt I couldn’t continue, because in his eyes I would see our story. I saw my eagerness, his lies and soothing voice. I saw tears and question marks all over my face. I cried and felt so scared that I wouldnt  have been able to surpass this step in my life. He leaned forward and touched my raven hair covered in withered flowers. He inhaled the fragrance and said words my heart learned to need years ago. He embraced me and covered me with his honey words. Every word was imprinted on my skin and it glowed with artificial light. I felt myself being slowly transformed into the woman he wanted and not who I was. I slowly cried as I felt defeated and weak to his charms. Willow softly kissed my cheek and I moaned because it hurt. His touch hurt my entire body like acid. He was melting away who I was. Slowly he began to take my wedding dress off and his words became my clothing. “You never had a chance with me by being yourself . All you can do is resign and let me transform you.” Willow repeated these words until I felt almost drifting into sadness.

I was ready to close my eyes and accept my defeat when the real light from above the staircase  burst into flames and burned Willow slowly. He let me go as he burned in light. Suddenly he was stunned because a power unknown to me was lifting me up and covered me in flowers as a new me emerged from the battle scene. I recognized that I had a destiny to fulfill. I took a step closer to a flaming willow, his features almost gone. He echoed pain but it was so distant. I take my flowery hand and touch his red face and said “You never knew the power of my love, because it was never yours. I resign to ever wanting to be yours. I let go of any power you had over me. You will torment me no longer, because to me…you are dead. You are just flaming willow, now burn. I am healing while you hurt. “. His ashes were taken away by the wind. And I leave a flower in the final stair.

A desire to look back was trying to convince me. But the angelic voice, always present, sang to me. She said “A battle took place here, flowers and ashes, honey and blood. Tell me, why would you wish to look back?” I couldn’t find any reason.  But I sang back to her, shocked that her voice was mine all along. “I don’t feel worthy of this eternal light.”
Suddenly, the rain drops stopped. Right there at the top of the stairs was a path of light that shimmered with love. Tears fell and I felt this sense of unconditional love. I walked barefoot touching the soft petals. The wind played with my hair and my past was less heavy to carry. I saw all these creatures of light at each side of the pathway. All looked at me with love and happiness. My chest moved at a rhythm until I realized I was laughing. The sensation felt too foreign to me. Then I stopped dead on my tracks. At the end I saw a face I had never seen but that my heart recognized as mine. He smiled and tears fell again from my eyes. Where did this sense of healing come from? My scars were healed and I ran towards Edvard in great haste.  He was there clothed in white, hair long and dark, face happy and eager. He also ran with great grace and when we reached one another, we stopped in order to gaze at our future.
We embraced each other fiercely as if never wanting to let go. The entire place covered in warm light and merry melodies. I finally let out one last cry . All the layers of blood and moss were eliminated as I was transformed by love into me. I was always enough. I took Edvard’s face in my hands and sang a melody. His hands on my waist, his eyes filled with love, he said “You were worth the wait. I always knew it was you. My warrior…my love”.

I breathed in happiness at last. I myself said, “Edvard, you were worth the pain, the tears, and the battle it took me to get here”. We took each other’s hands and walked towards the eternal light, while the staircase disappeared as if it never existed.


-Arwenlyn 2012

Diary Entry May 18th, 2008 Nothing lasts forever

Diary, 

     I figured it was about time i ended my story in this book and finally move on to another chapter in my life. Suddenly I have been awakend by questions. What does each rising day mean to you? What are your hopes? Do you even know what you hope for? Well, I do. I've been asking all along for a miracle in someone else, when the miracle had to become true in me first. 

 The thing about pain, is that we are afraid of it..but once the sea is calmed...we realised we have changed. Sometimes for good....always for the best. It was necesary for me to witness some attitudes in me; I stoped praying or singing to God after I heard that he liked someone else. But now it's different, I have learned to be happy with myself and with the fact that I can trust God, even when it hurts. 

Over these past nine months I have learned to face reality with a vulnerable but strong face. I have faced reality this time...and I have realized that nothing is forever or certain, let alone the way we die. And what has cost me a great deal to understand is that its ok if it nothing lasts. It was there for the time being and now this part of my life has its time, place and purpose. 

So, I guess its right to say that Jared had a purpose in my life. Lord have mercy, I am feeling my sarcassam coming up through my vocal chords.  As of now, he apparently is infatuated with a girl I went to bible camp with  a few years ago. He is sickly in love with this person who has rejected him one to many times. It hurts now, dont it Jared?

The thing that has me quite puzzled is the rumor spread around like a open book that says that he has been saying that this girl, is the God send woman for him. Allow me while I take a sip of Grandpas cough medicine in. Gulp...Gulp...Gulp

Hi, I'm back. Well, for those who dont know our tragic history...these were the same words mentioned to me a year ago by a repeted love sick Jared. You know, just because I have a full powered wit and sarcassam from time to time, dont mean I am not fragile or vulnerable. Truth is, I am. Yet, I know that being free of this roller coaster to emotional hell, is actually the salvation I need. It's the molding of clay...that even when set to fire..it transforms to a masterpiece. Nothing lasts forever...and I am fine. Bring on the pain Jared... nothing will stop be from healing. 

Sincerely,
ArwenLyn