The girl with a writing fetish

Hello there.

 Actually, I confess that I have not the slightest clue as to who would read this, but hey...

Let's begin with saying: I am not Amelia. I am the girl that lives through her and perhaps voices all of her deepest desires and instincts. No, I am the girl that you don't get to know. Amelia is the closest and purest idea anyone can ever create about me.

However, there was someone, a long time ago, that knew this Amelia. He had her in the palm of his hands and he liked that.

     Ironic....

             A new age, a new face and yet,sometimes  no matter how much history leaves a scar, we still go on scratching.  What stings the most is realizing,  after all these years, is that I still think of you.

Amelia's Lawyer and Keane

Many years ago, before Amelia knew that a Xander existed for her, she was a college student. Her passion was writing and mostly everyday she would detail in her journals events and moments past. Her hair was pink and her clothes were eighties meets bohemian. Her nails were painted in neon colors and some of them were starting to chip off.  She drank coffee and never smoked at the same time. She was happily blissful in her own colorful world.

Her major was journalism and her minor literature. It truly was a dream for her to invest time studying and preparing herself professionally in the written word. She took classes from investigative journalism to the rather progressive history of love lectures. The last one is still a big question mark in her mind. Who takes a class on the history of love letters? Well, people like her. People that marched to their own tune and painted with diverse color palettes. 

Amelia's mobile phone at the time was a metallic pink motorola razor and she thought she was cool. She never had an ipod so her music she listened through a cd player with headphones. Pretty progressive, of course. Her favorite band at the time was Keane and she had someone to blame for that. She blamed a certain lawyer with a stick up his ass.

Now now, Amelia  was always what you could describe as a "semi good girl". At least her face projected a certain naive quality, however, her mind? Her real thoughts? Not so cookie cutter. There would come a time in the future when that battle for her mind will drive her to break rules and start again. But this was not the time. Not yet. 

Back to the lawyer. This person was what  you called typically predictable. His friends never changed and his manners where always perfection. His voice was soft spoken and nostalgic, at times sort of creepy. He was eight years older than Amelia and had his entire life planned, or as it seemed...planned for him. His eyes were the color of coffee, the kind they sell at Starbucks that has all sorts of crap and 1% real java. Dark straight hair that fell softly near his long eyelashes and he seriously needed a tan. Amelia, on the other hand hated the idea of living such a constricted life between office cubicles. She wanted to live each day as her last, so she really had no idea what attracted her to him. Him with lawyer words and lawyer manners. 

Yet, some nights together they would walk the streets of Old San Juan, taking in the history of every corner and meditating in silence. They never held hands and they hardly embraced. Theirs was a story of strange companionship. He wanted to be free spirited like her and to actually be brave enough to act spontaneous. She saw in him the stillness her passionate soul needed from time to time, that silence in between musical notes. 

The one thing they shared with great passion was music. They loved listening to "Keane"songs and would spend hours on the phone analyzing the meaning in their lyrics. When they talked about love, it was always with a  quote from Keane. 

One night during those walks in the historical city, Amelia and lawyer sat near the water. This time they were listening from his ipod the song "Love is the end". She turned to him with familiarity as she listened in. Perhaps, this could work. Perhaps, he wont bore me to death. Perhaps, love is really the end, she thought as her eyes gazed at him.

Lawyer also turned to her side and his eyes were brilliantly black. He smiled faintly in a way that you would almost miss it. He reached with his hand and stroked softly her right cheek and trailed down to her hand. The touch in itself felt so foreign to her. And with his fingers caressing her hand, he waited for her to respond. 

Amelia found herself unable to do anything at all. Here was cryptic lawyer with his fond for health foods touching her. She smiled in a matter that said "dude, what are you doing?". Lawyer then took the lyrics from her left hand and read out loud.

"It wont come again because love is the end. Oh no my friend. Best not pretend because love is the end". 

"What do you think about these words, Amelia?"
"Two friends finding love. It's pretty obvious Law". 

Lawyer chuckled low and removed his complete hand from hers. He realized then that she did not understand what he meant. And she understood that she was not ready yet. He stood up first and helped her get up from the ground. It was a november night so the city was decorated in holiday lights. The sea breeze ruffled her pink hair, hair that secretly drove him wild; well as wild as he could possibly muster. They were facing each other and the song was still in their ears. 

The music was ending, the last words were sung. "Don't say those words" echoed through. The last note was played and Lawyer cupped her chin in his hands forcing her to look at him. 

"There's a fire in you Amelia. Don't ever lose it, or You and I will be at war". For the first time there was passion in his eyes and fierceness in the sound of his voice. Her breathing became agitated as she was clearly unaware that fire existed in him. More so, she never knew that passion was exactly what she needed as well. 

His head lowered closer to her face and she was almost certain he would kiss her. He studied her face and his lips rested on her forehead. All the while he sang her name over and over. 

"Amelia, Amelia...love is the end. And someday someone will be lucky to be burned by your fire." 

"Law, you seriously watch too many melodramatic movies. I am not even invested in the nearest future of two weeks from now, what makes you so sure I want to know about a future person?"

Law messed around with her hair and said "You will see". They slightly embraced their way back to the car.
It was the last time Amelia saw him, and the stillness consumed her. But Law was right. It would take her seven years to actually feel that way. 

¿Are you counting? 


 

 

Xander and Amelia: Kareoke Madness

5:00 p.m. San Juan, Financial District



Amelia Lockhart stared into her office watch. She tapped her foot on the carpet, as if counting the seconds.  A few more minutes and she would clock in eigth hours of labor dedicated to a career she never studied for. But more on that later, because today was different. Today, she found a reason to stay a few more hours in the city. Amelia smiled because she had wanted to see him ever since that day at the parking lot. But he also scared the living daylights out of her. How could someone have such a dual reaction to her?

Amelia still had no idea what she felt for this person, whom she detested and was so curious about. This person who was from another world. After that infamous afternoon, Amelia had asked her friend Aiden  to walk her to her car. And every day, she would see him in his sleek Volvo parked next to her  blue  SUV. Her pink taser was always charged and ready for action, yet this person was moving slowly. He would only steal glances at her and smile...Amelia hated that she loved his smile. She was only dissappointed that her taser was left unused...to use it meant He would have to come closer.

So terrified and well, let's face it, PARANOID was she, that even her other co-workers knew about him. Some called him "The German" other's prefered to call him "the guy with red hair who scares Amelia".  Her friend Mikaela made the effort to talk to "The German" about her.

                                                     One month ago......


Mikaela and the german/red head guy/guy that scares Amelia/ had met with other co-workers for a few drinks. After a few minutes of analyzing him, she realized that Amelia would really like him. As if keeping a naughty secret from her (which she did), she showed him a photo of the "girl of his dreams".

Xander's expressive eyes enlarged even more when he saw the photo of the mysterious weird girl from the parking lot. "Nooooo way!!!!!!" "I know who she is!!!" "I have seen her, your telling me she is a singer? "Her name is Amelia?". Goal oriented Xander made a mental note that now he had legit reasons to speak to her, that girl who always looked away from him. He kept smiling all night.


                                                        Present day 

                                                         5:25 p.m. San Juan, 
                                          St. Martin Train Station kareoke

The shuttle bus made an abrupt stop. The neon lights sparkled everyone. Anticipation in their eyes. Hearts beating fast. Amelia step out and was face to face with Xander. It felt as if he was waiting for her. Amelia made serious efforts not to freak out and scream, or throw herself right at him.  She was leaving, or so she had decided, but Xander would not take it. He followed her to the parking lot, and after all those months of thinking what to say... "You are the singer, right?"

Amelia, not knowing about Mikaela's trick, was even more festered and scared. "How does he know? Oh crap! I knew it! He has been following me!!" She could only muster a mumbled "umm yeah, uhum.  In that moment you would have never guessed she had a master's degree under her shaking belt.

Xander, on the other hand, was growing even more with confidence. Tonight was the night he would begin to know her. He had no idea why so much intrigue over someone so quiet. But he felt she was different and special, and coming from a past like his, he was searching for the real thing.

"Dont go away! Im coming back. I have to hear you sing"
Amelia nodded
Xander gave her one last smile and chuckled.

Amelia, quickly walked towards her coworkers, all smiling and asking her what was that all about. She couldn't even speak articulately. The DJ was playing the song "Madness"from the band Muse. She suddenly gave in to melody and heart thumping rhythm. The lyrics made it a fitting environment.

"I need to know, is this real love, or is this madness?" She sang out loud and with a drink in hand, she decided it was time to sing and let it all out. Music has always been her escape, her resting place. She looked around for Xander's face amongst the crowd. She was surprised to find out, that he was doing the same. At that moment, eyes locked, she finally smiled, truly from her heart at the exact moment the song said "I have realized, that I need to love".

She took the mike and sang with her heart out. People looked around searching for a face to match the edgy voice, and were surprised to see it belonged to "meek"Amelia. The crowd kept growing, Amelia cheered on and felt so free. When she finished the song, she suddenly so brave, searched for Xander. He had never left her side.

They found each other and began laughing for no good reason. After exchanged names and all, Xander couldn't stop saying how wonderful she sang. Amelia couldn't believe that she loved the sound of his deep voice. He wasted no time and asked for her phone number.

"Oh, you can ask Mikaela for my number. I was about to leave".

Xander's heart beat faster....

"No, please...I really would love to call you".

Amelia's eyelashes batted.  Ohhh, now what do I do? Oh screw it, i cant go on denying. 

" If you want you can put me under Amelia Bank so you wont get confused".

Xander chuckled, "You are the only Amelia in my life. You, what you did tonight. It was unforgettable, like that time in the parking lot with your shirt".

............ Wait, What?. "Y-you remembered that?"

"Like I said, unforgettable".

Xander, I like your name... I might even like.... 

Amelia's drive back home was filled with unsaid words. Her past called, but she ignored it. All she could think of were the color of Xander's eyes, his voice and this desire to know more. Xander saved Amelia's number. He would call first thing. He never felt more sure about anything before.

Two strangers...Two different worlds
One story to tell. Minus one pink taser.

What blood and tears dragged in...

These memories cling to me like my own skin...

I found myself waking up in the middle of a cobblestone street. I felt as if I had fought the longest battle in my life. Dragging myself towards time and memories. I looked at myself and saw that I had a wedding dress on. It was very ethereal and ivory. My long dark hair was braided and decorated with flowers. My vision in a glass door told me that I looked beautiful, but again I felt as if my soul was dragging and losing its focus. It began to rain softly and felt soothing almost like kisses from above. The ancient streets felt alive and moving as well, as if rushing me to get to where I was supposed to be. Music played all over, the same angelic voice I have always heard inside of me. She rushed and told me “you will see a trail of your past, it might seem tempting…but you must not follow”. So I ran and ran. I became familiar with places I had visited with past faces and everyplace hit me like a bee sting. But I kept running because suddenly I also felt that need to find my destiny. Rain drops fell across my cheeks, until I noticed that they were tears, I looked everywhere for a sign. Run, Run, Run…..

And then I saw the biggest set of stairs, all ancient and covered with moss. To the left I saw the old harbor with boats and lampposts. I cringed when I saw them but kept running towards the stairs. Music kept playing all around the skies. She kept urging to continue, that sometimes what we want the most takes time, tears and faith. As soon as I took the first step I almost returned. Because every stair was the face and body of my past. There they were all staring at me, some glaring, others regretting and others loving still. I screamed and sobbed as if my very breath was taken from me. I knew there was something for me at the top of the stairs, there was light and peace. But to get there, I had to confront the darkest moments in my life.

I was barefoot and flowers decorated my feet, I remembered the light and decided to take the first step.  Diomedes stared at me in awe and with that same youthful face demanded me answers that I never had for him. “Diomedes, don’t waste your youth waiting for me”. He cried and yelled and all I could do was let go and follow the next step. With every step I took, tears followed and flowers were left behind for them. I just kept looking up towards the light. Again, I felt so unworthy because of who I was and who I became for all of them. But the voice urged me to continue.

I saw Peleus blue crystal eyes staring at me. I see blood from his chest being spilled and my ivory dress stained with our past. I became afraid for I remembered his curse, my curse… our beginning and our end.  Hatred came from his eyes as if trying to hurt me as I did him. “You were always meant for greater things. But I can’t help but hate you for it”. He screamed and held to my dress but I pushed him towards the end of the stairs and screamed back. “You never had my heart”.

I heard him sob but kept going. And so fast was my pace that I tripped and landed in a dreaded step. Archangel Michael was there looking all innocent and broken. I remembered I always pictured him stronger and more knowledgeable than me. But this time around, I towered over him. In his eyes I saw every time he made me cry and close to ending my life. I cringed once again at the memory. Suddenly I felt as if I had the strength of a titan. I took Archangel Michael in my arms and folded him into a box. He seemed serene, as if he knew this was his destiny, to be put away in a box. I embraced the box to my heart. He felt  heavy everywhere, but I became stronger than our past. I left him on that stair and with  a flower next to his cheek. He smiled and urged me to continue. “Fly away, Arwen”.

Almost reaching the top towards the light, I felt my soul flare up into hope. My dress was covered in blood stains and moss but I didn’t care. I saw the warm light and took a brave step…but what seemed like light was abruptly changed into an illusion. The one who hurt me the most, the one who I imaged strong and wise. The older one… my mentor,  lover,  religion, my demon…my lawyer. He stared at me so confident in his power over me. Right then and there…I felt I couldn’t continue, because in his eyes I would see our story. I saw my eagerness, his lies and soothing voice. I saw tears and question marks all over my face. I cried and felt so scared that I wouldnt  have been able to surpass this step in my life. He leaned forward and touched my raven hair covered in withered flowers. He inhaled the fragrance and said words my heart learned to need years ago. He embraced me and covered me with his honey words. Every word was imprinted on my skin and it glowed with artificial light. I felt myself being slowly transformed into the woman he wanted and not who I was. I slowly cried as I felt defeated and weak to his charms. Willow softly kissed my cheek and I moaned because it hurt. His touch hurt my entire body like acid. He was melting away who I was. Slowly he began to take my wedding dress off and his words became my clothing. “You never had a chance with me by being yourself . All you can do is resign and let me transform you.” Willow repeated these words until I felt almost drifting into sadness.

I was ready to close my eyes and accept my defeat when the real light from above the staircase  burst into flames and burned Willow slowly. He let me go as he burned in light. Suddenly he was stunned because a power unknown to me was lifting me up and covered me in flowers as a new me emerged from the battle scene. I recognized that I had a destiny to fulfill. I took a step closer to a flaming willow, his features almost gone. He echoed pain but it was so distant. I take my flowery hand and touch his red face and said “You never knew the power of my love, because it was never yours. I resign to ever wanting to be yours. I let go of any power you had over me. You will torment me no longer, because to me…you are dead. You are just flaming willow, now burn. I am healing while you hurt. “. His ashes were taken away by the wind. And I leave a flower in the final stair.

A desire to look back was trying to convince me. But the angelic voice, always present, sang to me. She said “A battle took place here, flowers and ashes, honey and blood. Tell me, why would you wish to look back?” I couldn’t find any reason.  But I sang back to her, shocked that her voice was mine all along. “I don’t feel worthy of this eternal light.”
Suddenly, the rain drops stopped. Right there at the top of the stairs was a path of light that shimmered with love. Tears fell and I felt this sense of unconditional love. I walked barefoot touching the soft petals. The wind played with my hair and my past was less heavy to carry. I saw all these creatures of light at each side of the pathway. All looked at me with love and happiness. My chest moved at a rhythm until I realized I was laughing. The sensation felt too foreign to me. Then I stopped dead on my tracks. At the end I saw a face I had never seen but that my heart recognized as mine. He smiled and tears fell again from my eyes. Where did this sense of healing come from? My scars were healed and I ran towards Edvard in great haste.  He was there clothed in white, hair long and dark, face happy and eager. He also ran with great grace and when we reached one another, we stopped in order to gaze at our future.
We embraced each other fiercely as if never wanting to let go. The entire place covered in warm light and merry melodies. I finally let out one last cry . All the layers of blood and moss were eliminated as I was transformed by love into me. I was always enough. I took Edvard’s face in my hands and sang a melody. His hands on my waist, his eyes filled with love, he said “You were worth the wait. I always knew it was you. My warrior…my love”.

I breathed in happiness at last. I myself said, “Edvard, you were worth the pain, the tears, and the battle it took me to get here”. We took each other’s hands and walked towards the eternal light, while the staircase disappeared as if it never existed.


-Arwenlyn 2012

Diary Entry May 18th, 2008 Nothing lasts forever

Diary, 

     I figured it was about time i ended my story in this book and finally move on to another chapter in my life. Suddenly I have been awakend by questions. What does each rising day mean to you? What are your hopes? Do you even know what you hope for? Well, I do. I've been asking all along for a miracle in someone else, when the miracle had to become true in me first. 

 The thing about pain, is that we are afraid of it..but once the sea is calmed...we realised we have changed. Sometimes for good....always for the best. It was necesary for me to witness some attitudes in me; I stoped praying or singing to God after I heard that he liked someone else. But now it's different, I have learned to be happy with myself and with the fact that I can trust God, even when it hurts. 

Over these past nine months I have learned to face reality with a vulnerable but strong face. I have faced reality this time...and I have realized that nothing is forever or certain, let alone the way we die. And what has cost me a great deal to understand is that its ok if it nothing lasts. It was there for the time being and now this part of my life has its time, place and purpose. 

So, I guess its right to say that Jared had a purpose in my life. Lord have mercy, I am feeling my sarcassam coming up through my vocal chords.  As of now, he apparently is infatuated with a girl I went to bible camp with  a few years ago. He is sickly in love with this person who has rejected him one to many times. It hurts now, dont it Jared?

The thing that has me quite puzzled is the rumor spread around like a open book that says that he has been saying that this girl, is the God send woman for him. Allow me while I take a sip of Grandpas cough medicine in. Gulp...Gulp...Gulp

Hi, I'm back. Well, for those who dont know our tragic history...these were the same words mentioned to me a year ago by a repeted love sick Jared. You know, just because I have a full powered wit and sarcassam from time to time, dont mean I am not fragile or vulnerable. Truth is, I am. Yet, I know that being free of this roller coaster to emotional hell, is actually the salvation I need. It's the molding of clay...that even when set to fire..it transforms to a masterpiece. Nothing lasts forever...and I am fine. Bring on the pain Jared... nothing will stop be from healing. 

Sincerely,
ArwenLyn