Xander and Amelia: Summer Heat

The day the heat was unbearable. The day makeup melted away with worries from moments past. It was the moment when working for a financial institution, actually became interesting. The day the most extremely different people had their first encounter.

He was boisterous. He was tall, slightly hefty and had reddish brown hair. His skin was pink and his eyes were the color of amber. It seemed that everyone knew his name, or better yet called him by the name "colorao". But, lets just call him... Ginger? No, that is lame. His name was Xander.

She was weird, or so they said. Long brown hair, big eyes, even bigger personality. But she was hiding behind a routine that ate away her fire. Mostly quiet, mostly thoughtful, mostly desiring an escape from it all. She had music in her lungs, her lips, her fingertips. Her name was Amelia.

Every now and then, they would bump into each other during lunch breaks. His eyes always scanning her, in a naturally curious way. She couldn't give a shit. She simply stared into nothing, always hoping but not searching.

It was a hot and humid afternoon. The steam rippled in the air and made their eyes tear. The financial institution they worked for had a shuttle bus that transported its employers to their significant automobiles. As Amelia stepped down and walked towards her blue ford escape, she became agitated. Blame it on the heat? The loveless relationship? Who knows. Only, she looked around feeling a desire to be free. And in a second she was. Her office blouse was out of her chest in no time. She could breathe again. She untied her hair and let it fall naturally. She felt like herself. With a smile on her face, Amelia walked feeling like a victor. No one was there to see her anyways. Or so she thought.

There he was parked right in front of her, sitting inside his sleek Volvo. A pretty confident car for someone equally cocksured. Yes, I just did. He had his eyes wide open and a smile of approval was spread all over his face. Xander  had always seen her so quiet and meek that what he witnessed seemed surreal. He kept thinking that there was more this girl than meets the eye. And he wanted to know.


She, stared back at him, challenging his intentions. Feeling the heat of the moment rise to its tipping point, she decided to break it and give him her most fierce "screw you" looks.  She felt confused as to how his reaction made her feel. Part of her wanted to say nasty things to him and send him to hell where there are surely no Volvo dealers. Another part  wanted for him to keep staring and wonder what would happen next.

Amelia  quickly got into her car and drove away, not before looking at him straight on and mouthing the word "douche". Xander kept laughing and smiling at her. Amelia bought a pink taser to burn his ass if he ever got close to her. Xander couldn't wait to get a chance to talk to her.

Oh Amelia, first impressions...first impressions. How wrong can you be?

Chasing Time

She, was waiting for time. She had been waiting for four years, and yet silence is all she always had. Her hands were sweating, and her heart  pounding hard. The wind kept on singing, and leaves fell everywhere near her. She had flowers in her hair and feet. She wanted a future, but decided for an end. Her companion sat next to her licking her cheek and waiting just as anxious. She looked into her eyes and felt she was, heart broken, but not alone. She breathed in the smell of sea breeze and felt comfort. "This is what makes me", she repeated until truth echoed in her entire body. This moment would change her, this she knew. To let go of familiarity, his scent, the feel of his skin. She was letting go a life of one sided passion.

The gates opened, and four years walked in. He made noise as he ruffled the fallen leaves. He was always so poised and calm, she was the wind, the earth, the sound of laughter. He was the stillness in the night. What do you say when confronted by such a face? The face of a child man, the face of innocence. As they stared into each others eyes, he couldnt help but smile and she couldnt stop the tears.

Life passed through their minds. Their life together, was never a clean canvas. It was color mounted into color, the thickness of it all always made it impossible to start over.  He was realism and she was post impressionism. None, could have found a way to merge. When passion from color wanted to dance with his classic lines, they realized how incredibly odd and different they were. Classic lines, classic needs. Passionate colors, diverse sorrows. He wanted a Vermeer painting, all dark and sullen. She desired Edvard Munch, an emotional experience, a physical trance, to ride naked, to be naked to the world.

Finally, He walked closer to her, seeing how this ruffled her like a tree in the mercy of a tornado. Cruelty comes in all shapes. His was likea soothing  balm. She waited for his body and desired no longer his heart. As he came closer, she closed her eyes and said "This is how you made me". He embraced her, and the proximity took her by surprise and chilled her bones. So many years without passion can leave you numb and when you finally feel something, its intense.

"You know what I'm about to do, dont you?"
"I do."
"Can you give me a reason to continue waiting?"
"I have nothing. Nothing to give you."
"Always so still  and cold"
"Always so emotional and passionate"

Nothing.... 

Without a word. Without a touch. Simply gazing into their past and no future. They had no future to call upon. No hope to save them. Could you have saved them? Could you have convinced them to try? To fight for what used to unite them? What would you have said?

She was waiting for time. But she decided time should try to catch up with her. After all, she is the wind,  the sound of singing leaves, she is the moment someone decides to move on. And that moment, is now.

Art from www.artmajeur.com

                                                     

Windows of Time

WINDOWS OF TIME

No time for words

Who am I?

No time to think

Tears of a lover

Drifted and shadowed

No time for the past

Who do I love?

He turns his back

I see the way no longer

Which road to take?

No time for mistakes....

No time for regrets

                                                                No time to rest

                                                         Never a moment to forget

He turns his back

My arms extended try to reach

He has no time

Has he gone with the setting sun?

No time to wonder......

Windows are caked by dirt

No time to cleanse the amber shadows

He turns his back with the dying sun

No time for my tears

I have simply, no time....

                                                        

What blood and tears dragged in...

These memories cling to me like my own skin...

I found myself waking up in the middle of a cobblestone street. I felt as if I had fought the longest battle in my life. Dragging myself towards time and memories. I looked at myself and saw that I had a wedding dress on. It was very ethereal and ivory. My long dark hair was braided and decorated with flowers. My vision in a glass door told me that I looked beautiful, but again I felt as if my soul was dragging and losing its focus. It began to rain softly and felt soothing almost like kisses from above. The ancient streets felt alive and moving as well, as if rushing me to get to where I was supposed to be. Music played all over, the same angelic voice I have always heard inside of me. She rushed and told me “you will see a trail of your past, it might seem tempting…but you must not follow”. So I ran and ran. I became familiar with places I had visited with past faces and everyplace hit me like a bee sting. But I kept running because suddenly I also felt that need to find my destiny. Rain drops fell across my cheeks, until I noticed that they were tears, I looked everywhere for a sign. Run, Run, Run…..

And then I saw the biggest set of stairs, all ancient and covered with moss. To the left I saw the old harbor with boats and lampposts. I cringed when I saw them but kept running towards the stairs. Music kept playing all around the skies. She kept urging to continue, that sometimes what we want the most takes time, tears and faith. As soon as I took the first step I almost returned. Because every stair was the face and body of my past. There they were all staring at me, some glaring, others regretting and others loving still. I screamed and sobbed as if my very breath was taken from me. I knew there was something for me at the top of the stairs, there was light and peace. But to get there, I had to confront the darkest moments in my life.

I was barefoot and flowers decorated my feet, I remembered the light and decided to take the first step.  Diomedes stared at me in awe and with that same youthful face demanded me answers that I never had for him. “Diomedes, don’t waste your youth waiting for me”. He cried and yelled and all I could do was let go and follow the next step. With every step I took, tears followed and flowers were left behind for them. I just kept looking up towards the light. Again, I felt so unworthy because of who I was and who I became for all of them. But the voice urged me to continue.

I saw Peleus blue crystal eyes staring at me. I see blood from his chest being spilled and my ivory dress stained with our past. I became afraid for I remembered his curse, my curse… our beginning and our end.  Hatred came from his eyes as if trying to hurt me as I did him. “You were always meant for greater things. But I can’t help but hate you for it”. He screamed and held to my dress but I pushed him towards the end of the stairs and screamed back. “You never had my heart”.

I heard him sob but kept going. And so fast was my pace that I tripped and landed in a dreaded step. Archangel Michael was there looking all innocent and broken. I remembered I always pictured him stronger and more knowledgeable than me. But this time around, I towered over him. In his eyes I saw every time he made me cry and close to ending my life. I cringed once again at the memory. Suddenly I felt as if I had the strength of a titan. I took Archangel Michael in my arms and folded him into a box. He seemed serene, as if he knew this was his destiny, to be put away in a box. I embraced the box to my heart. He felt  heavy everywhere, but I became stronger than our past. I left him on that stair and with  a flower next to his cheek. He smiled and urged me to continue. “Fly away, Arwen”.

Almost reaching the top towards the light, I felt my soul flare up into hope. My dress was covered in blood stains and moss but I didn’t care. I saw the warm light and took a brave step…but what seemed like light was abruptly changed into an illusion. The one who hurt me the most, the one who I imaged strong and wise. The older one… my mentor,  lover,  religion, my demon…my lawyer. He stared at me so confident in his power over me. Right then and there…I felt I couldn’t continue, because in his eyes I would see our story. I saw my eagerness, his lies and soothing voice. I saw tears and question marks all over my face. I cried and felt so scared that I wouldnt  have been able to surpass this step in my life. He leaned forward and touched my raven hair covered in withered flowers. He inhaled the fragrance and said words my heart learned to need years ago. He embraced me and covered me with his honey words. Every word was imprinted on my skin and it glowed with artificial light. I felt myself being slowly transformed into the woman he wanted and not who I was. I slowly cried as I felt defeated and weak to his charms. Willow softly kissed my cheek and I moaned because it hurt. His touch hurt my entire body like acid. He was melting away who I was. Slowly he began to take my wedding dress off and his words became my clothing. “You never had a chance with me by being yourself . All you can do is resign and let me transform you.” Willow repeated these words until I felt almost drifting into sadness.

I was ready to close my eyes and accept my defeat when the real light from above the staircase  burst into flames and burned Willow slowly. He let me go as he burned in light. Suddenly he was stunned because a power unknown to me was lifting me up and covered me in flowers as a new me emerged from the battle scene. I recognized that I had a destiny to fulfill. I took a step closer to a flaming willow, his features almost gone. He echoed pain but it was so distant. I take my flowery hand and touch his red face and said “You never knew the power of my love, because it was never yours. I resign to ever wanting to be yours. I let go of any power you had over me. You will torment me no longer, because to me…you are dead. You are just flaming willow, now burn. I am healing while you hurt. “. His ashes were taken away by the wind. And I leave a flower in the final stair.

A desire to look back was trying to convince me. But the angelic voice, always present, sang to me. She said “A battle took place here, flowers and ashes, honey and blood. Tell me, why would you wish to look back?” I couldn’t find any reason.  But I sang back to her, shocked that her voice was mine all along. “I don’t feel worthy of this eternal light.”
Suddenly, the rain drops stopped. Right there at the top of the stairs was a path of light that shimmered with love. Tears fell and I felt this sense of unconditional love. I walked barefoot touching the soft petals. The wind played with my hair and my past was less heavy to carry. I saw all these creatures of light at each side of the pathway. All looked at me with love and happiness. My chest moved at a rhythm until I realized I was laughing. The sensation felt too foreign to me. Then I stopped dead on my tracks. At the end I saw a face I had never seen but that my heart recognized as mine. He smiled and tears fell again from my eyes. Where did this sense of healing come from? My scars were healed and I ran towards Edvard in great haste.  He was there clothed in white, hair long and dark, face happy and eager. He also ran with great grace and when we reached one another, we stopped in order to gaze at our future.
We embraced each other fiercely as if never wanting to let go. The entire place covered in warm light and merry melodies. I finally let out one last cry . All the layers of blood and moss were eliminated as I was transformed by love into me. I was always enough. I took Edvard’s face in my hands and sang a melody. His hands on my waist, his eyes filled with love, he said “You were worth the wait. I always knew it was you. My warrior…my love”.

I breathed in happiness at last. I myself said, “Edvard, you were worth the pain, the tears, and the battle it took me to get here”. We took each other’s hands and walked towards the eternal light, while the staircase disappeared as if it never existed.


-Arwenlyn 2012

Diary Entry May 3rd 2007 Coming Home

Diary,

  I am sitting on a bench on the Braddock Metro Station. The skies are still gray. It shouldnt surprise me, however, they still do. These gray skies, can there be any beauty in them? I stare at the many faces in the metro and cant help but wonder. what are they thinking of? What do they see in me? It's amazing how writing in a desolate bench can help sort out my feelings. Life here in D.C. has clearly taught me to be more independent.  I am alone here, without my family, my friends, my boyfriend...or so it seems soon to be ex boyfriend (yes, I told him about the Kiss). It seems that within these solitary moments, I have gotten a glimpse of what my life would be out here in the open, in the unknown. 

I have known myself more than I did before. I responded and did certain things, that I probably would never have done in Puerto Rico. The weird work relationship with Ulysses is probably one of them. Hanging out with him and other friends till the early hours of the morning drinking wine and  talking about film making...and all sorts of makings. 

If anyone from my home would catch a view of this new me, would they recognize me?  In a few days I will return and its strange how home to me is D.C. Home to me is now snow, ice, Cherry Blossoms, Politics, blackmail, media, kissing Ulysses. It makes you wonder where was God in all of this? He was never to far for me to hear, but I do recall closing the door. I guess, too ashamed to hear myself pray. 

Which version of myself do I want to keep? Oops...lots of movement from the metro. I hate it how its almost always underground. Brings out the claustrophobic in me... The Metro Diaries... has potential. 

What if this was really me all along? What if always innocent "me" was just a cover up?  I am coming home diary, but what am I coming home to? I keep remembering Ulysses last night. How he wanted to hold me and touch the curls in my hair. He didnt want to let go, and all along he kept saying how much he will miss me. He said "Dont go, I want to be with you". His eyes, something I will always miss. His eyes are different, they look at me differently. Like an artist he sees me strong, willful, beautiful... not like Jared who thinks I'm a wilted flower. 

Even for all his words, I cant seem to see myself with neither of them. No Jared, no Ulysses. I just see myself for this time, and I know it might seem careless, cold and cruel. But it's me for now. I let Ulysses go, without a kiss...he looked with so much longing. But I didnt respond. Tomorow, I am coming home. Diary, tell me, what awaits for me tomorow? 

Sincerely,
ArwenLyn 

Diary Entry May 18th, 2008 Nothing lasts forever

Diary, 

     I figured it was about time i ended my story in this book and finally move on to another chapter in my life. Suddenly I have been awakend by questions. What does each rising day mean to you? What are your hopes? Do you even know what you hope for? Well, I do. I've been asking all along for a miracle in someone else, when the miracle had to become true in me first. 

 The thing about pain, is that we are afraid of it..but once the sea is calmed...we realised we have changed. Sometimes for good....always for the best. It was necesary for me to witness some attitudes in me; I stoped praying or singing to God after I heard that he liked someone else. But now it's different, I have learned to be happy with myself and with the fact that I can trust God, even when it hurts. 

Over these past nine months I have learned to face reality with a vulnerable but strong face. I have faced reality this time...and I have realized that nothing is forever or certain, let alone the way we die. And what has cost me a great deal to understand is that its ok if it nothing lasts. It was there for the time being and now this part of my life has its time, place and purpose. 

So, I guess its right to say that Jared had a purpose in my life. Lord have mercy, I am feeling my sarcassam coming up through my vocal chords.  As of now, he apparently is infatuated with a girl I went to bible camp with  a few years ago. He is sickly in love with this person who has rejected him one to many times. It hurts now, dont it Jared?

The thing that has me quite puzzled is the rumor spread around like a open book that says that he has been saying that this girl, is the God send woman for him. Allow me while I take a sip of Grandpas cough medicine in. Gulp...Gulp...Gulp

Hi, I'm back. Well, for those who dont know our tragic history...these were the same words mentioned to me a year ago by a repeted love sick Jared. You know, just because I have a full powered wit and sarcassam from time to time, dont mean I am not fragile or vulnerable. Truth is, I am. Yet, I know that being free of this roller coaster to emotional hell, is actually the salvation I need. It's the molding of clay...that even when set to fire..it transforms to a masterpiece. Nothing lasts forever...and I am fine. Bring on the pain Jared... nothing will stop be from healing. 

Sincerely,
ArwenLyn

Entrada Diario Octubre 22, 2006 El Príncipe se reinventa

Querido Diario, 


   Hace un rato que regresé de mi cita con Edward. Sí, tal como lees. Edward me llamó preguntándome si queria salir con él para otro concierto de la Sinfónica. No me lo vas a creer...pero...♫Qué mucho disfruté♫ Edward se comportó como un caballero. Mientras esperábamos en línea para entrar al espectáculo , Edward lo hacía un tanto obvio que andabamos juntos. Fue "charming" jaja. ¿Lo puedes creer? Núnca dejó mucho espacio entre los dos y su mirada no era desviada en ningún momento. 

Durante el concierto ambos nos intercambiabamos miradas. A veces nuestras manos accidentalmente se rozaban...claro..."accidentalmente". 

La situación entera fue "puppy love". Su manera de mirar no era indiferente, mas bien tierna e intrigada. Al concluir el concierto, Edward se me acerca y me dice suavemente "¿Qué te apetece para comer?".

Mis ojos claramente revelaban que no podía creer lo que estaba sucediendo. Bueno, porque comparando con la otra cita que fue un horror. 


Mientras cenabamos tuvimos una sección estilo "heart 2 heart". Yo le conté sobre un cierto mandril llamado "G" y su pan sobado; él a su vez me contó sobre su experiencia. 


Al final cuando regresamos a mi casa, nos quedamos hablando más. Los cristales se comenzaron a empañar... y mi hermano salió de mi casa hacia el carro porque pensó que Edward y yo nos besabamos. 


Así fue la cita. Planificamos ir a un "candlelight concert dinner". Nuevamente....el tiempo dirá. 


Sinceramente,
ArwenLyn

 

Diary Entry October 20th 2006 The Prince round II

Diary, 

  Well, well. If you must know and i am sure you are dying to know the Prince called the writer today and asked her out on a second date. This time the date is in the conservatory of music. After giving it some thought (remembering the previous awful date) I, the writer decided to go with him. Was it a pitty date? Im not sure. The only thing i know is that today in youth meeting he was acting all suave since he kind of...actually very explicitly let everyone know that he was going on a date with me. He even said to a few people that we were dating. Hmm..the question is very simple... "are we dating?"...I had no idea. Today my brother told me that I couldnt go out on a date with Edward because and i quote "I am Marcus's girlfriend".... 

On that thought...I will let you know how the date goes...I dont expect much. 

Sincerely,
Arwenlyn

Entrada Diario 18 de Octubre de 2006 El romance de lo antíguo

Querido Diario,

  Se fue la luz eléctrica, y pensandolo bien, es de beneficio para estos momentos. En muchas ocaciones nosotros estamos tan apegados a la tecnología que olvidamos las pequeñeses que inspiran. Mi ejemplo más real es el escribir en diarios. Sabes, he estado escribiendo en diarios desde los 10 años, y siempre me han fascinado el tener mi historia en fragmentos. 

Mientras escribía mi ensayo para la competencia de Washignton, me di cuenta que Anais Nin fue una escritora y diarista francesa para los años del 1940. Osea, que lo que llevo haciendo por 10 años se considera como una profesión. WOW!!!! 

Siento que estos cuadernos van a ser uno de los libros que escribiré en el futuro. Para mi es un consuelo tener papel y bolígrafo. Me encanta expresar mis sentimientos en papel, pues la palabra jamás morirá. Qué pena cuando reemplazamos la escritura por otras actividades, como el internet. 

Bueno, la verdad es que no me quejo, pues de esta manera es que Marcus y yo nos hemos conocido. Claro nos comunicamos a diario por teléfono. Ambos estamos un poco nerviosos porque sentimos una atracción inmensa, y para ser con alguien que jamás hemos visto en persona...pues... es algo diferente. Orita estaba pensando en como seria estar con el y verlo cara a cara. Acabo de mirar el reloj y sé que ya mismo me va a llamar. Aquí la situación es sólo esperar.... 

¿Puedo esperar? 

Sinceramente,
ArwenLyn 

Entrada Diario Octubre 6, 2006 El Príncipe y la Escritora

Querido Diario, 

    Se me olvidó mencionarte que el domingo, el finísimo Edward del canto me invitó a salir a un concierto de opera en San Juan. Quizá por puro despecho lo llamaré de ahora en adelante "El Príncipe". ¿Por qué? Bueno te diré: Es el típico príncipe con perfecta voz, perfecto sentido de moda, excelente familia, razgos físicos sacados de una escultura griega, perfecta vocación y ambición..... PERO NO ES UN PRINCE CHARMING. 


¿Puedes creer que me hizo pagar el peaje y devolverle $5.00? Me lo recordó más de una vez en la cita..."acuerdate de pagarme los cinco dólares". 


Por lo menos el lugar era hermoso y perfecto. En varias ocaciones el Príncipe consentido se quedaba observando la apertura de mi falda que mostraba razgos de mi piel. Cada vez que sutilmente me acomodaba la apertura, podía sentir sus ojos sobre mí. Tenía una risa interna incontrolable. Mientras escuchaba las voces melodiosas de los cantantes, me preguntaba si citas como estas serían la norma entre el Príncipe y la Escritora. En más de una ocación se acomodaba como para tomar mi mano en la suya. Núnca se la dí. 


Esta fue la segunda cita que el Príncipe se inventa con la Escritora. Pero ella no puede dejar de pensar que es muy probable que la relación sea una enfocada solamente en el príncipe. 

Diary Entry September 21, 2006 The Prince, The Artist and the Writer

Diary:




Today I will recieve all of my things from Gregory, and to put an end to this situation. I dont want to write about it anymore. I know I said that I was scared of giving my heart again, but the truth is that I do want to finally be with the man that will become my husband. I dont want to date or be in so many relationships..one after the other a nonstop marathon of "I love you...But i Love him now". Truth is, lately there have been two guys that in their own way have captured my interest....I just feel a little guarded is all.


They are...Edward the Prince and Marcus the Artist. Prince Edward forgot to call me to arrange our "date"....its safe to say that Prince Edward lives 20 minutes from my house. On the other hand, Marcus, the charming Artist lives in the  United Kingdom and he calls me almost everyday.  Honestly, I am getting fed up with Edward's ambiguious feelings. 

Marcus is truly something else. He is everything Edward is not. He calls me, which brings us closer as friends first. We write emails to each other. Yesterday he said that he enjoys our convsersations because we have been very honest with each other. If you are asking yourself..."How did they meet?"... Well, for now i will keep this a secret. 


If you ask me...yes I do like who he is. I admire him and he considers me a very intelligent girl. We are both praying that I get that Washington DC congressional Scholarship. He has mentioned that he would like to return to Puerto Rico with me so he can spend the summer here. That would be so much fun....I am never bored whenever I talk with him. Speaking of talking....my dad and Marcus talked over the phone the other day. Hmm..getting cool with the in laws? I think it's safe to say that Marcus the Artist from United Kingdom has the lead ...and the writer is ever more curious as to see what will happen. 

Sincerely,
ArwenLyn

Diary entry June 20, 2010

Dearest microsoft word:

Since I’m dead on balls accurate that only you are reading my thoughts in this exact moment, I dedicate this journal entry to your rather extensive company. Word has always been dear to me it seems. After six years of typing away essays and articles for my bachelor’s degree, I find myself free from your tiring bond but somehow nostalgic at the same time. Will we ever meet again in my professional life? Only God knows… and later on… only Bill Gates, for sure.

If you must know, I am currently sitting in an old antique chair that belongs to my grandmother’s, hence I am at her house. Hurray, I am smarter than a fifth grader. Sarcasm: angers ugly cousin. Indeed. 

I am here celebrating Fathers day. Where is my father? Over there near the liquor table where my other family members lavish at their new found hobby: searching for an acre for all 8 of them to live in retirement…God knows when. I was there just a few seconds ago listening to all of them. That’s all I really do here in the Maldonado Clan… I mostly listen. Hardly ever speak. Why? I don’t know… bull… yes I know. People only say they don’t know in order to have more dramatic flair to their 15 minutes of monologue. I do know.  Truth is, I’m listening because doubt overtakes me and somehow manages to convince me that although I bear their last name, in theory I’m not at all completely like them.

Wait... I’m mistaken. Just as I write this...Whatever it is, my grandfather Tato Maldonado, fueled with Don Q watches over my shoulder into this rather interesting page. He asks me what I’m doing. 

Hence I begin to explain to him what a Microsoft word page really is. Can you believe it? I’m actually advertising you guys to an 80 something year old man intoxicated with liquor. Actually, quite a charming man when under the comical influence of Puerto Rico’s finest rum. This is the guy that every time he gets drunk he starts preaching the most beautiful sermons that I swear, if given a microphone,  many would convert to Christ. And yet, I find myself thinking maybe Jesus does see that nature in him, and probably laughs and smiles at this 80 something child. I say I am from the Maldonado Clan, because when I look into my grandfathers eyes, without any doubt, I see my own looking back. Honey colored eyes looking at me with love.

I do belong. Sorry for these lines of unedited bullshit. It wont be the last time. Trust me. But like I said, I do belong with my kin. Halleluya. Now, where is that bottle of Don Q?

Diary Entry: February 22, 2008

Diary: 

Today I wont say smart and witty comments. No. Today, I am hurting deep. My family is falling apart. I feel so numb because somehow I wish it was all just a bad dream. I never thought my family would go through something like this...ripped apart. I see my mom, so beautiful, young and wise. My father, so colorful and charming. I wish i was as strong as my mother, but I am not this time around. This situation has broken my spirit, add that to the loss of Jared. It's just too much to handle. 

How can anyone be happy away from the light? I cant bear to see my parents tears... I wish I could save them both. I wish so many things... but I wont always have them. If any song I write could dry their tears and make them change their minds... make Jared change his mind. I was left alone here in this dark place, while all around me changed. And I suddenly wonder, What is the purpose of pain? Will it take me to a greater place? Oh God, why is this happening? This entire year has been tears and dark nights where I would sleep with my hand on my chest...hearing my heart beats. To make me see that I was still alive. But.....Oh God.... I cant take this anymore. I cant change anything around me. I am helpless and powerless... people change their mind's so often it sickens me. 

Oh God....please I need peace I need to be free. I miss laughing innocently around the gardens in my house dreaming about my true love. I miss myself...desperatly. So please Lord.... Help us. 

Diary Entry: February 13-18 2008

Diary: 

I fucking hate valentines day. Yes so it's the day before the dreaded event feared by all singles. The time of the year when I hate pink and red the most. Plus, all those sappy romantic crap movies that create some sort of force of nature inside my subconcious and make me  feel even more pathetic. Nothing says more Loser than watching someone making out and not having a person there to mimic your physical frustrations. This will sound rather seedy but so far Mr. Doctor Bill from the band Wavelength has been giving me some attentions other than my stupid idiotic ex boyfriend Jared, Jeremy who is Jareds  friend....( Talk about loyalty...total puff) and last but not least....the genious inventive Totti, who is also a musician. Wow, like that didnt sound superficial. Oh, this is stupid...Love should be expressed every day.

Diary Entry: December 24 2007

Diary: 

He onced said he was the boy incapable of loving. He said how blessed he was to have found someone that teached him how to love. So, what happened? Makes me think that Michael is really not a normal person. You dont just say beautiful words and promises in God's name and then break them. He really does not deserve me. I dont ever want to be treated this way again, because for all his words and artificial promises, in the end he acted just like Gregory. Worst in my opinion  because this time around I really gave my all and loved like never before him. I wrote him an email three days ago in the hopes of having a friendship... at least. But still, no answer. Honestly, what happened to him? Why the sudden change? .......

Oh Brother..... He just texted me. This is ridiculous but no matter how many times a day i distract myself with other things, in the end when Im about to sleep, I always think of him. 

I should get out more often....legit.  

Diary Entry: July 10, 2007

Diary: 

Just so you know, Im watching the movie "Bridget Jones Diary"which has inspired me to continue writing in diaries. It's a wonderful story of love and second chances. It makes me wonder... I hope my love with Jared's lasts forever. I wonder if I will be married by my 30's or like Bridget, be lured by the lives of parties. 

Sometimes it think about the way Jared's  is with me. I wish I could remember our nasty arguments ... now that's some legit bathroom material. But it's as of I dont intend on writing it all here. He says I have changed into a more cheerful person in comparisson to the nasty, bad tempered, rebel girl he met five month's ago. While for some this might sound as good news, for Jared's  I have a slight inclination that he is not entirely happy. 

Sometimes I dont understand this idiot. One simply matures and last year I was not Ok and my emotions where darker and lonely. He just happened to have met in that time. The really crazy part is that in the middle of this confusion he still has the balls to tell me "Just be yourself". Tell me this, how can I be myself and still feel that for him something is missing?  I dont want to be that girl anymore. Life is about moving foward... learning... blooming into a masterpiece. Why cant he understand that? 


Mom get's it. She often has compared me to a book with colorful pages. I cant always be predictable, and I have figured out that it might be alarming to Jared. He probably thought he had me all figured out and found out that he was wrong.  


What I noticed is that this relationship has been based on me making changes....but what about him? Up to what point do we stop being ourselves to have some "love"? 

Entrada Diario Junio 24 2008

D:


So do you want to read Bill's lame ass excuse reply to my email? Oh that's right, well yes i asked him out. I, well mom, (oh God...) made me do it cause she says that i should live a little and flirt with great guys. So, yes..Bill is a great guy...but he is an idiot.

"ArwenLynn, as a matter of fact i do like movies, but before i continue i must warn you, i signed a a contract "no more social life"when i started medical school. Such deal left space for the following exception: "The row row your boat music band". =) Just kidding, Bill.

There's more to the message but honestly, im not going to continue on that. The funny thing is that im not sad at all. Well i did see some attributes in him that i liked, but his attitude just reminds me of the triplets....gorgeous guys..but complete idiots. So i suppose the next step is to move on from that derranged idea. I have found great peace in being single. For the first time in a long time i simply love being my myself. I have come to love me for being just me. There is more value towards myself now and that is why the next guy...THE GUY will be taking a really great non idiotic girl.

-Arwenlynn

Entrada de Diario 16 de Noviembre de 2006

Querido Diario,

En la vida uno simplemente es una hoja que es llevada por los vientos. Este siendo el pensamiento de los humanistas adictos a las amenazas de suicidio. Aunque, se que comparada con la presencia de Dios, soy como una hoja. Quiero pensar que no soy muy fácil de arrebatar por las ilusiones, ni menos el viento. Si soy fuerte, es por el amor de mi familia y sobre todo el amor de Dios. Es verdad que hay ocasiones en que siento que no me escucha, pero aun en medio de la confusión yo creo que Dios existe y creo en el sacrificio de Jesús.

A veces siento que algo grande va a surgir en mi vida, mas por ahora no sé que es. Ahora lo que siento y veo es una buena bendición, desde que aquella relación se terminó. Poco a poco estoy viendo renacer la chica que permaneció oculta por 24 meses. Jamás vuelvo a pasar por eso.

Por otro lado, siento que voy a disfrutar estos meses con Mateo . La verdad es que me quiero concentrar en una sola persona; y hasta ahora esa persona especial es el. Me asombra cuan parecidos somos. Tenemos ambos una libreta negra de escritura. A veces siento que ya lo conozco. Quizás es mi mente de escritora que acelera mi imaginación, pero verdaderamente quiero dedicarme en conocerlo mas y mas. Me encanta estar a su lado, me emociona su manera de mirarme. En ocasiones nuestras miradas quedan entrelazadas por un largo tiempo. Es como compartir un secreto, y me agrada.

La afinidad y propósito de ser escritor, es que los lectores sientan lo mismo que nosotros. Amamos, sufrimos, reímos, besamos lentamente, lloramos...todo igual a la realidad. Solo queremos sentirnos escuchados. Porque hay mucho que decir, mas poco se expresa frente a frente.

Aun así, yo quiero frente a frente, yo quiero amar profundamente. Amar completamente y debidamente. Amar no solo por sentimientos, sino por acciones. Amar porque es mi naturaleza. Amar, porque llena mi espíritu de sonrisas reflejadas en mis pupilas. Amarlo...a él, Mateo. Me gusta sonreirle, porque es natural. El le gusta que siempre canto. Quisiera verlo, abrazarlo, reconocer su fragancia y hacerla mía. Amar sus palabras, su cabello. Amar su sonrisa. Amar sus miradas.....imaginar sus besos.

-ArwenLynn

Entrada de Diaro 28 de Abril de 2007

Diary:

He kissed me. I did not expect it. We worked together at the TV station. I knew we had some attraction towards each other. His lingering eyes always watching me. His mouth always smiling, so sure of himself. So sure he had an effect on me. He is from Peru, tanned skin, shaggy black hair...great smile. He is 25 years old and his name is Ulyses. He is studiying film and is the producer for the station's commercials. We were always looking for a way to work together, since we had great chemistry.

He even wanted me for one the comercials. Geez, the point is that yesterday we went to the Ricky Martin concert in Virginia, since the editor gave us free tickets. It really surprises me the things we do for free S*it.
Ulyses and I went with his friend Paco, but before that, we took a detour towards a Lounge cafe. It was unexpected, and nice. Please.... i know what you might be thinking...besides "Who the hell am i writting to?" i can explain, but i wont for now.

Ulyses and I did some video clips with my camera, while we drove. His weird and artsy music played in the background. I love his music. All the evidence is in my camera. I never expected it. He held my hand and while we were in his car he would say how he has loved spending these past two weeks with me. He said that he liked the fact that i was real and open to him and that he will miss our conversations. And too put some cherry here on top he leaned over with his sultry almost love drunk eyes and said "I love your eyes". Without even blinking i realized that he was kissing me.

The question you are probably thinking is "Did i kiss him back?".....well the answer is i dont know. Pretty lame, i know. But why should i lie? I think i might have but for a split second since i quickly removed myself from his insistent embrace. Im fine.... i dont feel i have cheated on Jared. He and i have been having problems....there i go again...super lame. I do love my boyfriend (dont we all?) but i need to step back. Soon i will return to P.R. He kissed me......

Why did i let him. Just, why?

-ArwenLynn